The Perpetual Lie
Ever wonder why the person in your mirror is much different from the person in your head? The person in our head is a control freak. The person in the mirror is passive and wishful about everything it could have been or should be.
I have my parents and peers to thank for my freak of nature. However, the good thing is, I know he is there. I think of many of my friends and the lie they perpetuate upon themselves and others, as we all do, but they do not realize it is there.
I was reading the other day, and while I have always known about "scripting the mind", I never really had an application for it for myself. I have always had a cognizant awareness of the person I wanted people to think I am, the person that people told me I should be, and the person that I really am. This is a struggle that everyone has, but not everyone is aware of. I have always been a student of people. I love to watch the dynamics of people in social environments. The best time for this observance is watching people who you know are not who they are projecting themselves to be. While I find no joy in that display, I realized that we are all trapped in this thing. We have all been "scripted" to be the person that everyone who has ever influenced us said we should be. Not by direct action or conversation, but by the acceptance or denial of us as a person through our behavior. This is especially obvious in the parent/ child relationship. They look to us for approval, and that approval or rejection is what begans the basis of our scripting. As we gain friends throughout life, we again desire to be accepted and will change ourselves over and over to be acceptable to these people. Then the confusion sets in. We want to be happy and think that by constantly wearing these masks that happiness will find us. But the illusion continues on a daily basis as we struggle to find that happiness that we have been assured would be ours.
The freedom from this prison in our minds starts with the relaization that it actually exists. While many may acknowledge this exisitence, they do not know how to change it or lack the will power to commit to the change. I have seen this many times, especially in abusive (physical and emotional) relationships. While men seem to be more covert about this song and dance, women are much more verbal about it through their actions. I have always been fascinated by a persons willingness to go back time and time again to a person that is abusive. This is especially obvious on the emotional level. Women return or long for men that reject them, minimize their value, ridicule them to no end, literally wipe out their self esteem on every level. They cry, weep day after day, tell themsleves and their friends how terrible this person is, and vow to forsake the relationship forever only to find themsleves right back in it or in one just like it. Somewhere, at some time in their life, someone of immense influence convinced this person they had no value. That in relationships, they serve no purpose. Thier minds are literally frozen with the inability to convince themsleves that they deserve better. They see absolutely no way out of this. This is what life is, trying to make this person happy at the expense of my happiness.
Men on the other hand hide this fragile side of them deep in the masculine (scripted by their dad or friends) traits. They find the securities in the de-valuing of women. Obviously their mothers did not love them enough or something. Their mask is often weilded to their faces. Next to impossible to remove, because to deal with this freak, it takes a realization that you are not who you or your friends think you are. It is a long, painful, often gut wrenching experience that many men cannot not stomach nor take the chance of altering their mass appeal to the female.
While there are many facets to this animal inside us and more ways than can be mentioned here that this thing is perpetuated and lived out, the central idea is that it is there and can be dealt with. Freedom from the mental torment of wanting to be accepted or loved can be realized by everyone. Can you imagine living everyday free of wanting attention? Free of wanting someone to like you or love you? Free from finding someone to touch you or have sex with you? What would your mind be free to do if it wasn't constantly pursuing these avenues for you? Could perhaps you spend more time finding the things that make you trully happy, instead of trying to convince people to like you?
Freedom from these insane pursuits will allow you to find what is out there for you. When you are not constantly seeking approval (because thats what your parents did or did not do), you can then be free to express yourself for who you are and engage people on a level of truthfullness and honesty. It is here that you can truly appreciate people. It is here that you can embrace people for who they are or trying to be. It will not matter to you whether the people like you or want you. These things will come with time. You must be patient. You must realize that you are trying to change the way you have been taught and trained to think by our freakish society.
Start today by challenging the thoughts you have about yourself. Are they true? Who said they were? Do you want it to be true? If you do then accept it. If you do not, reject it every time it comes up and find what you do want to think about that part of your life.
The freedom from the control of people's opinions of you is the first true step to mental health and freedom.