A Father's Tragedy
The hands at birth were small and fragile;
The unawareness of the innocent.
The eyes of newness fell upon me, and the weight of joy was indescribable.
Throughout the years, I taught and guided. I watched in amazement as you took in the world around you and created your own.
I calmed your fears, I healed your wounds. I was the foundation of your security. You slept with ease at night, for you knew no evil would befall you as long as I was near.
I always thought I would hear your voices everyday. I would be gifted with the sight of your beauty.
But then a tragedy fell upon us all.
Your innocence was stolen. Your world was shattered. Everything you knew fell apart and was left in pieces.
You have been the receiver of something that you did not create. A consequence of the confused.
Your tears rip my heart apart. Your pain should have never been carried by ones so small. It belongs to me and me alone. Life has bestowed upon you that which it has no right to give. I damn it for taking advantage of your simplicity.
I still hear your voices. I still see your shadows when you are not around. You play in my mind day after day. Your imprint stays upon my heart.
As I walk through my days, I see the families of the whole. I grow jealous of their happiness. I curse their contentment. For you have been stolen from me. You now see me through stained glassed windows. I am no longer your hero, but now a warden.
My daily hope for you is that the stains will be made clear for you. That the years that have been stolen will be given back. I can only observe you from afar now. I stand alone and watch you walk without me.
Know that my footprints are not far behind yours. That one day, they will be side by side. That this tragedy will be made right. I assure you, you have not been forsaken. Time is our friend and enemy. When all is said I will have my redemption. To this I swear.
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006
A Thanksgiving Critique
As I contemplate this past weekend's activities, I reflect upon the normality of the everyday family. I had not been home in 8 years. It was a bit shocking to see how everyone in the family had changed. I guess for the first time, I really began to understand my mortality.
The grandparents are nearing the completion of their lives. My grandmother is racked with Scoliosis and degenerative disc. Last time I saw her she was upright. This time she stands, if you call it standing, at almost ninety degrees. It is a travesty of the human body. It was somewhat unnerving to see someone you care about being unraveled by a disease. My grandfather has transformed his role from provider to caretaker. I am not sure how much longer he can provide this role.
All the aunts and uncles came by. They too reflect the continuing progress of time. Soon, they will all be gone.
My brother and I went by my father's grave. Again, unnerved by the screaming reality of the complete eradication of this Seymour line. You see, my brother has no children and I have 2 girls. My uncle died a few years ago from an O.D., and he also has daughters. This Seymour generation will end with my brother and I.
I realize that death is a part of life. Everything has an end. The two go hand in hand. However, when it is unfolded before you, it is somewhat surreal.
As I reach the halfway point of my life (I hope anyway), life starts to take on a different meaning than when I was younger. Life use to represent no end. Living was an unending term used loosely through our words and actions. Your daily forward motion is not hampered by the realities of what is going on around you. It is you and only you.
I see now, that for me, the first 38 years of my life was to prepare me for the next 40 years of my life. Every situation, every day experiences, the ups and downs, the good and bad that has happened, has happened so I can navigate further and will greater skill in the next years.
So life goes on. The question that is begging to be answered is how will I finish my next few decades? Will I waste it like the first 3 decades and do next to nothing? How can I make the next 40 years greater than the first forty?
Perhaps the only living dynasty, the only real lasting impact is how you effect the people in your life. Will you take what you know and pass it on? Will you give what has made your life better and give it to others for their own paths?
A 100 years from now, what will really be remembered by your friends and family? At your funeral, what will people say about you?
Lots to ponder!
As I contemplate this past weekend's activities, I reflect upon the normality of the everyday family. I had not been home in 8 years. It was a bit shocking to see how everyone in the family had changed. I guess for the first time, I really began to understand my mortality.
The grandparents are nearing the completion of their lives. My grandmother is racked with Scoliosis and degenerative disc. Last time I saw her she was upright. This time she stands, if you call it standing, at almost ninety degrees. It is a travesty of the human body. It was somewhat unnerving to see someone you care about being unraveled by a disease. My grandfather has transformed his role from provider to caretaker. I am not sure how much longer he can provide this role.
All the aunts and uncles came by. They too reflect the continuing progress of time. Soon, they will all be gone.
My brother and I went by my father's grave. Again, unnerved by the screaming reality of the complete eradication of this Seymour line. You see, my brother has no children and I have 2 girls. My uncle died a few years ago from an O.D., and he also has daughters. This Seymour generation will end with my brother and I.
I realize that death is a part of life. Everything has an end. The two go hand in hand. However, when it is unfolded before you, it is somewhat surreal.
As I reach the halfway point of my life (I hope anyway), life starts to take on a different meaning than when I was younger. Life use to represent no end. Living was an unending term used loosely through our words and actions. Your daily forward motion is not hampered by the realities of what is going on around you. It is you and only you.
I see now, that for me, the first 38 years of my life was to prepare me for the next 40 years of my life. Every situation, every day experiences, the ups and downs, the good and bad that has happened, has happened so I can navigate further and will greater skill in the next years.
So life goes on. The question that is begging to be answered is how will I finish my next few decades? Will I waste it like the first 3 decades and do next to nothing? How can I make the next 40 years greater than the first forty?
Perhaps the only living dynasty, the only real lasting impact is how you effect the people in your life. Will you take what you know and pass it on? Will you give what has made your life better and give it to others for their own paths?
A 100 years from now, what will really be remembered by your friends and family? At your funeral, what will people say about you?
Lots to ponder!
You think you know what pain is?
You have no idea.
To scratch along the sides of pains mountain;
To reach the summit, to find the fountain of mercy. The relief. The freedom.
Pain is here to be my friend. I must not flee, but embrace.
You have put a face on pain. You have taught me that pain is my deliverer.
Without the pain, I would not have found the unbridled spirit.
The desideratum was to break me, but it failed.
Where is your power? I have taken it away.
The nails of finality closing my casket. The darkness. The aloneness.
The ending of me was the genesis of me.
There it is. The pain pointed to the direction of benevolence.
I have abandoned the urge to simplify you.
That which was designed to torment, has become the liberator.
Thank you pain. You are my benefactor. Without you, I would not be who I am.
I will no longer fear you. For fear is the mind killer. Fear is your consort.
Fear wanted to dissuade me. Freeze my actions. Persecute my emotions.
Tempt me now. Loose your demons. For they are now my angels.
Where will you come from now? Where are you hiding?
I will no longer hide or cower in your presence. Your power to decimate is now the capacity to reconstruct.
Come let us build together.
You think you know what pain is?
You have no idea.
To scratch along the sides of pains mountain;
To reach the summit, to find the fountain of mercy. The relief. The freedom.
Pain is here to be my friend. I must not flee, but embrace.
You have put a face on pain. You have taught me that pain is my deliverer.
Without the pain, I would not have found the unbridled spirit.
The desideratum was to break me, but it failed.
Where is your power? I have taken it away.
The nails of finality closing my casket. The darkness. The aloneness.
The ending of me was the genesis of me.
There it is. The pain pointed to the direction of benevolence.
I have abandoned the urge to simplify you.
That which was designed to torment, has become the liberator.
Thank you pain. You are my benefactor. Without you, I would not be who I am.
I will no longer fear you. For fear is the mind killer. Fear is your consort.
Fear wanted to dissuade me. Freeze my actions. Persecute my emotions.
Tempt me now. Loose your demons. For they are now my angels.
Where will you come from now? Where are you hiding?
I will no longer hide or cower in your presence. Your power to decimate is now the capacity to reconstruct.
Come let us build together.
You think you know what pain is?
Saturday, November 18, 2006
To Began Anew
The new day dawns with it's brightened light;
The yesterday's pains are bled away.
The reminicing is reminded again about the days before;
The mind feezes in the new state, not sure what to make of the absolute.
As the shadows of today are created by the new light;
only to find it's siblings crowding the small space.
The light shows the lengthened path, leading to no end in sight;
Perhaps the end of the path is really the beginning of the end.
The paths blur into one another. They are unique in likeness.
This path has fresh grass and not downtrodden. Is the other side truly green?
The end beginning is where it starts. This is where to began anew.
The new day dawns with it's brightened light;
The yesterday's pains are bled away.
The reminicing is reminded again about the days before;
The mind feezes in the new state, not sure what to make of the absolute.
As the shadows of today are created by the new light;
only to find it's siblings crowding the small space.
The light shows the lengthened path, leading to no end in sight;
Perhaps the end of the path is really the beginning of the end.
The paths blur into one another. They are unique in likeness.
This path has fresh grass and not downtrodden. Is the other side truly green?
The end beginning is where it starts. This is where to began anew.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The Perpetual Lie
Ever wonder why the person in your mirror is much different from the person in your head? The person in our head is a control freak. The person in the mirror is passive and wishful about everything it could have been or should be.
I have my parents and peers to thank for my freak of nature. However, the good thing is, I know he is there. I think of many of my friends and the lie they perpetuate upon themselves and others, as we all do, but they do not realize it is there.
I was reading the other day, and while I have always known about "scripting the mind", I never really had an application for it for myself. I have always had a cognizant awareness of the person I wanted people to think I am, the person that people told me I should be, and the person that I really am. This is a struggle that everyone has, but not everyone is aware of. I have always been a student of people. I love to watch the dynamics of people in social environments. The best time for this observance is watching people who you know are not who they are projecting themselves to be. While I find no joy in that display, I realized that we are all trapped in this thing. We have all been "scripted" to be the person that everyone who has ever influenced us said we should be. Not by direct action or conversation, but by the acceptance or denial of us as a person through our behavior. This is especially obvious in the parent/ child relationship. They look to us for approval, and that approval or rejection is what begans the basis of our scripting. As we gain friends throughout life, we again desire to be accepted and will change ourselves over and over to be acceptable to these people. Then the confusion sets in. We want to be happy and think that by constantly wearing these masks that happiness will find us. But the illusion continues on a daily basis as we struggle to find that happiness that we have been assured would be ours.
The freedom from this prison in our minds starts with the relaization that it actually exists. While many may acknowledge this exisitence, they do not know how to change it or lack the will power to commit to the change. I have seen this many times, especially in abusive (physical and emotional) relationships. While men seem to be more covert about this song and dance, women are much more verbal about it through their actions. I have always been fascinated by a persons willingness to go back time and time again to a person that is abusive. This is especially obvious on the emotional level. Women return or long for men that reject them, minimize their value, ridicule them to no end, literally wipe out their self esteem on every level. They cry, weep day after day, tell themsleves and their friends how terrible this person is, and vow to forsake the relationship forever only to find themsleves right back in it or in one just like it. Somewhere, at some time in their life, someone of immense influence convinced this person they had no value. That in relationships, they serve no purpose. Thier minds are literally frozen with the inability to convince themsleves that they deserve better. They see absolutely no way out of this. This is what life is, trying to make this person happy at the expense of my happiness.
Men on the other hand hide this fragile side of them deep in the masculine (scripted by their dad or friends) traits. They find the securities in the de-valuing of women. Obviously their mothers did not love them enough or something. Their mask is often weilded to their faces. Next to impossible to remove, because to deal with this freak, it takes a realization that you are not who you or your friends think you are. It is a long, painful, often gut wrenching experience that many men cannot not stomach nor take the chance of altering their mass appeal to the female.
While there are many facets to this animal inside us and more ways than can be mentioned here that this thing is perpetuated and lived out, the central idea is that it is there and can be dealt with. Freedom from the mental torment of wanting to be accepted or loved can be realized by everyone. Can you imagine living everyday free of wanting attention? Free of wanting someone to like you or love you? Free from finding someone to touch you or have sex with you? What would your mind be free to do if it wasn't constantly pursuing these avenues for you? Could perhaps you spend more time finding the things that make you trully happy, instead of trying to convince people to like you?
Freedom from these insane pursuits will allow you to find what is out there for you. When you are not constantly seeking approval (because thats what your parents did or did not do), you can then be free to express yourself for who you are and engage people on a level of truthfullness and honesty. It is here that you can truly appreciate people. It is here that you can embrace people for who they are or trying to be. It will not matter to you whether the people like you or want you. These things will come with time. You must be patient. You must realize that you are trying to change the way you have been taught and trained to think by our freakish society.
Start today by challenging the thoughts you have about yourself. Are they true? Who said they were? Do you want it to be true? If you do then accept it. If you do not, reject it every time it comes up and find what you do want to think about that part of your life.
The freedom from the control of people's opinions of you is the first true step to mental health and freedom.
Ever wonder why the person in your mirror is much different from the person in your head? The person in our head is a control freak. The person in the mirror is passive and wishful about everything it could have been or should be.
I have my parents and peers to thank for my freak of nature. However, the good thing is, I know he is there. I think of many of my friends and the lie they perpetuate upon themselves and others, as we all do, but they do not realize it is there.
I was reading the other day, and while I have always known about "scripting the mind", I never really had an application for it for myself. I have always had a cognizant awareness of the person I wanted people to think I am, the person that people told me I should be, and the person that I really am. This is a struggle that everyone has, but not everyone is aware of. I have always been a student of people. I love to watch the dynamics of people in social environments. The best time for this observance is watching people who you know are not who they are projecting themselves to be. While I find no joy in that display, I realized that we are all trapped in this thing. We have all been "scripted" to be the person that everyone who has ever influenced us said we should be. Not by direct action or conversation, but by the acceptance or denial of us as a person through our behavior. This is especially obvious in the parent/ child relationship. They look to us for approval, and that approval or rejection is what begans the basis of our scripting. As we gain friends throughout life, we again desire to be accepted and will change ourselves over and over to be acceptable to these people. Then the confusion sets in. We want to be happy and think that by constantly wearing these masks that happiness will find us. But the illusion continues on a daily basis as we struggle to find that happiness that we have been assured would be ours.
The freedom from this prison in our minds starts with the relaization that it actually exists. While many may acknowledge this exisitence, they do not know how to change it or lack the will power to commit to the change. I have seen this many times, especially in abusive (physical and emotional) relationships. While men seem to be more covert about this song and dance, women are much more verbal about it through their actions. I have always been fascinated by a persons willingness to go back time and time again to a person that is abusive. This is especially obvious on the emotional level. Women return or long for men that reject them, minimize their value, ridicule them to no end, literally wipe out their self esteem on every level. They cry, weep day after day, tell themsleves and their friends how terrible this person is, and vow to forsake the relationship forever only to find themsleves right back in it or in one just like it. Somewhere, at some time in their life, someone of immense influence convinced this person they had no value. That in relationships, they serve no purpose. Thier minds are literally frozen with the inability to convince themsleves that they deserve better. They see absolutely no way out of this. This is what life is, trying to make this person happy at the expense of my happiness.
Men on the other hand hide this fragile side of them deep in the masculine (scripted by their dad or friends) traits. They find the securities in the de-valuing of women. Obviously their mothers did not love them enough or something. Their mask is often weilded to their faces. Next to impossible to remove, because to deal with this freak, it takes a realization that you are not who you or your friends think you are. It is a long, painful, often gut wrenching experience that many men cannot not stomach nor take the chance of altering their mass appeal to the female.
While there are many facets to this animal inside us and more ways than can be mentioned here that this thing is perpetuated and lived out, the central idea is that it is there and can be dealt with. Freedom from the mental torment of wanting to be accepted or loved can be realized by everyone. Can you imagine living everyday free of wanting attention? Free of wanting someone to like you or love you? Free from finding someone to touch you or have sex with you? What would your mind be free to do if it wasn't constantly pursuing these avenues for you? Could perhaps you spend more time finding the things that make you trully happy, instead of trying to convince people to like you?
Freedom from these insane pursuits will allow you to find what is out there for you. When you are not constantly seeking approval (because thats what your parents did or did not do), you can then be free to express yourself for who you are and engage people on a level of truthfullness and honesty. It is here that you can truly appreciate people. It is here that you can embrace people for who they are or trying to be. It will not matter to you whether the people like you or want you. These things will come with time. You must be patient. You must realize that you are trying to change the way you have been taught and trained to think by our freakish society.
Start today by challenging the thoughts you have about yourself. Are they true? Who said they were? Do you want it to be true? If you do then accept it. If you do not, reject it every time it comes up and find what you do want to think about that part of your life.
The freedom from the control of people's opinions of you is the first true step to mental health and freedom.
The creatures awake with the break of light;
The shallowness of each is revealed day after day.
The aloneness is swallowing each one, screaming to be filled, scratching the soul with nails, bleeding from within.
The creatures cover each other every passing day, not knowing one another. The pangs of disassociation tearing away.
Each night, a beast within is loosed from the inner cage to satisfy the craving;
Demanding to be entertained.
As the creatures move about, intertwining with those of like;
The dance of seduction and sensuality pulsates throughout the souls of each creature
Encouraged and led by the subtle drink of illusion.
The drink unlocks the schizophrenic, seeking and roaming with controlled rage.
As the moon passes from one point to another, the true nature of the animal is now completely hidden, replaced by something the animal needs to exist, but does not.
Screaming from the souls place, pleading quietly for the contact, hoping the next schizophrenic is of like soul.
Drink after drink the infusion of savagery and numbness wrap its arms around the lonely; moving from one to another
As the moon finds the final resting place, the creatures aware of the futility of the hunt return from where they came embracing the aloneness again, the soul cries.
The cycle of emptiness repeats.
The shallowness of each is revealed day after day.
The aloneness is swallowing each one, screaming to be filled, scratching the soul with nails, bleeding from within.
The creatures cover each other every passing day, not knowing one another. The pangs of disassociation tearing away.
Each night, a beast within is loosed from the inner cage to satisfy the craving;
Demanding to be entertained.
As the creatures move about, intertwining with those of like;
The dance of seduction and sensuality pulsates throughout the souls of each creature
Encouraged and led by the subtle drink of illusion.
The drink unlocks the schizophrenic, seeking and roaming with controlled rage.
As the moon passes from one point to another, the true nature of the animal is now completely hidden, replaced by something the animal needs to exist, but does not.
Screaming from the souls place, pleading quietly for the contact, hoping the next schizophrenic is of like soul.
Drink after drink the infusion of savagery and numbness wrap its arms around the lonely; moving from one to another
As the moon finds the final resting place, the creatures aware of the futility of the hunt return from where they came embracing the aloneness again, the soul cries.
The cycle of emptiness repeats.
Question Everything
Question everything, believe little. Beliefs are formed by your own scripting and opinions of yourself and those around. Your beliefs dictate your firends, happiness, health, where you go in life, how you define your experiences, and a multitude of other issues.
Why would you give so much power to something that is so transient? When was the last time you changed an opinion or belief? Most of us do it daily. Everytime we learn something new, everytime our experiences change, everytime you come across new knowledge, you change your beliefs and opinions. Yet, we base our whole lives on these shifting systems. People will die for what they believe in without ever asking why it is that they believe in it. Where is the honor in that?
We do oursleves no favors unless we constantly challenge what it is we are believing. Is it what your parents said, your friends, your teacher, your boss, or even worse, you lover?
Go ahead. I dare you
Why would you give so much power to something that is so transient? When was the last time you changed an opinion or belief? Most of us do it daily. Everytime we learn something new, everytime our experiences change, everytime you come across new knowledge, you change your beliefs and opinions. Yet, we base our whole lives on these shifting systems. People will die for what they believe in without ever asking why it is that they believe in it. Where is the honor in that?
We do oursleves no favors unless we constantly challenge what it is we are believing. Is it what your parents said, your friends, your teacher, your boss, or even worse, you lover?
Go ahead. I dare you
Ouite the Same
Everyday is the same, Everyday it shifts.
The changes stay the same. They come from where they belong.
I want the changes to complete themselves and then be the person I so need to be.
There the person is. There the person goes again. I tell my mind to quiet down. I stay focused on what should be. But the change goes again.
I look around and I am surrounded by chameleons. The person that was is no longer. The evidence is complete. It is still the same. The shadows are left standing where the person once was.
How can I embrace an apparition. How can I understand that which does not wish to be understood. I follow it as far as I can go. I can see no further than it will allow me.
Everything is quite the same.
The changes stay the same. They come from where they belong.
I want the changes to complete themselves and then be the person I so need to be.
There the person is. There the person goes again. I tell my mind to quiet down. I stay focused on what should be. But the change goes again.
I look around and I am surrounded by chameleons. The person that was is no longer. The evidence is complete. It is still the same. The shadows are left standing where the person once was.
How can I embrace an apparition. How can I understand that which does not wish to be understood. I follow it as far as I can go. I can see no further than it will allow me.
Everything is quite the same.
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